Wives, Husbands, Submission, and Understanding (1 Peter 3:1-7)

As many of you know, Angela and I have spoken quite a bit on marriage over the years. And we have received pressure both from people attending these events and even at times from those helping to put on those events to either water down what the Bible says about marriage or avoid certain topics like submission altogether. Their argument is that the gospel is the most important thing so why would we put a barrier like submission in there? It’s just not palatable to today's culture.

There are passages in the Bible that our culture finds offensive. And when we come to them, there are two mistakes we can make. We can weaponize the text to make it say more than it does in an effort to make the text serve us. Or, we can apologize for the text and explain it so carefully that by the time we’re finished, it doesn’t actually say anything at all. I am going to do my best not to make either mistake. My hope is that this blesses you, but worst case scenario, I figure we’d at least solve some of our growth issues. 

So, when it comes to those arguments that want to avoid passages like this, there are a number of reasons I disagree. First, if it’s in the Bible, we need to hear it. Second, if it’s in the Bible, it’s for our good. It’s not just that God has given us rules to follow, but instruction that is not just true, but good for us and even beautiful when it is embraced. Third, when Paul addresses this issue in Ephesians, he roots it in the gospel itself. Husbands love your wives like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. So you can’t tell me that topics like submission and headship are barriers to the gospel when the Bible roots them in the gospel.

The problem isn’t God’s Word. The problem is us. Our lack of humility, our desire for control, and our minimizing of God’s rule and His gospel in an effort to hear what we want to hear. What I want to do this morning is look at this passage and see a design for marriage that is beautiful, dignifying, loving, and will help every marriage, including mine to flourish. If you’re single, don’t tune this out, because Peter isn’t just teaching us how to be married, he’s teaching us what Christlike strength, humility, beauty, and love look like in every relationship.

In very broad categories, Peter’s vision is neither the modern marriage where there are no meaningful distinctions between husband and wife, nor is it the ancient Roman marriage where the husband rules for his own benefit. God calls husbands and wives to distinct expressions of Christlike faithfulness within marriage and the gospel transforms both submission and leadership and Peter fleshes this by saying two things to the wives and one thing to the husbands.

I. Wives: Follow your husband’s leadership 1,2

This brings us to the most uncomfortable part of the passage. Likewise, wives be subject to your own husbands… The most important part of that verse isn’t ‘be subject,’ it’s ‘likewise.’ This connects directly to 2:13. Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution. Then, in 2:18, Servants, be subject to your masters. Then, we get to 3:1, Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands… So I don’t think we should redefine the Greek word Peter is using, hypotasso, until it means something like ‘respect your husband.’ The word means submission.

Be subject/submit to your own husbands. Peter is not teaching that women are to be subordinate to men generally. There is a crazy movement today using this passage to teach that women shouldn’t vote because the husband is the head of the household and his vote is sufficient. That is not what this passage is teaching.

Peter also is NOT saying that women are inferior. Verse seven explicitly calls wives, heirs with you of the grace of life. We are equal in dignity and value. But, this does not require equal roles. Thirdly, submission does not mean absolute obedience. Peter is specifically addressing wives who may have disobeyed their husbands by becoming a Christian in the first place! Making their ultimate allegiance to Jesus over their husbands.

Fourth, and lastly, submission doesn’t mean that any wife stays silent in the face of sin or abuse. Nothing in this text gives a husband permission to sin against his wife or requires a wife to submit to his sin against her.

I was on a plane this week and I watched a new documentary called Death of A Pastor’s Wife. I’m not recommending it because it is really heavy, but there was a pastor who levied passages like this over his wife and coerced her to do seriously depraved things. His spiritual abuse made her believe that she was honoring God by submitting to his depraved desire for control and it cost her her life. No husband can require what that Bible prohibits or prohibit what the Bible requires.

So, what does it mean? It means that a Christian wife willingly recognizes her husband’s God-given responsibility to lead the marriage and, rather than fighting that leadership, she seeks to support and follow it as an expression of her trust in Christ. 

And Peter fleshes this out using the example of an unbelieving husband. The wife doesn’t submit because her husband is always worthy of it. She submits because Jesus is. All Christian submission, whether it’s to the government, worldly masters, or husbands is ultimately an act of faith.

Just to get very granular and practical, if you and your husband disagree on something (and this most often happens in areas of finances and parenting), and you’ve talked, you’ve prayed, you’ve brought other wise council into the decision, and you still disagree. When you submit to that decision, especially when you disagree, you are in a real way putting your faith in Jesus to take care of you. 

And Peter’s argument is that it can also be a form of evangelism. …that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives. This isn’t manipulating a husband into the faith and it’s certainly not nagging a husband into the faith. It’s living such a compelling Christian life before him that he has to reckon with the reality of her faith. The loudest and most compelling argument any of us has for Jesus to a lost world is a life that has been transformed by Jesus and Peter is showing us that this is especially true in marriage. 

II. Wives: Prioritize godly character over outward beauty 3-6

Peter isn’t saying that good physical appearance is evil. He’s contrasting the difference between where a woman locates her beauty and her worth. Do not let your adorning be external… verses the hidden person of the heart. Peter knows something about human nature that hasn’t changed in 2000 years. Women can feel enormous pressure to establish their value through how they look. And our culture today hasn’t relieved any of that pressure, it’s actually industrialized it. Instagram, Botox, cosmetic surgery, filters, fitness culture, and anti-aging products. None of those things are necessarily sinful, but they become dangerous when we believe that that is where our worth comes from. 

Peter says there is another kind of beauty. The imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Remember, Peter has spent most of this letter talking about things that perish versus things that don’t. Our bodies change, our hair changes, our skin changes. But, there is a kind of woman who can become more beautiful at 70 than she was at 30. And that is because God is producing something imperishable in her.

Since my daughter was old enough to wear princess outfits and parade them in front of me, I would always say, “Ivey, you look beautiful.” And she would smile. And then I would ask, “Do you know why?” And she would ask, “Why?” And I would say, “Because it’s on you. The dress doesn’t make you beautiful, you make the dress beautiful.” Now that she’s 15, I get more eye rolls than smiles, but I still think she appreciates it and I certainly still mean it. The woman makes the dress, not the other way around.

Peter then uses Sarah as an example. You are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Biblical submission isn’t produced by fear of a husband, it’s produced by trust in God. That is a very important distinction. A godly wife doesn’t believe that her husband will never fail her. She believes that even when my husband fails me, my God will not.

And remember, Peter has just shown us what this looks like in Jesus. At the end of chapter two, when Jesus was mistreated, Peter says, “He continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” Jesus didn’t have to grasp for control because He trusted His Father. And I think Peter is showing us the same thing here with Sarah. How can a wife follow an imperfect husband without being terrified about where his leadership might take her? Because ultimately, her trust isn’t in her husband. It’s in God. Christian submission is not confidence that your husband will always get it right. It’s confidence that even when he doesn’t, God is still on the throne.

When Angela and I lived in Italy, before we had any kids, we went to a conference in southern Spain. I used one of the low budget airlines that cost like $20, but one of the catches is that I had to schedule each leg separately. So, we were on our way home with a layover in Bristol England. We landed at 11am and were checking into our flight for 7pm. The first problem was that stupid Europe is on military time. There was no 7pm. The flight I scheduled had left at 7am. The second problem was that I have never really been a ‘detail guy,’ so this was kind of par for the course being married to me.

There was this moment at the counter when it really hit us both. We were basically stranded on this island of England with no outbound flights for less than thousands of dollars and I had about $400 in my account and a credit card with a limit of $400. I felt so embarrassed and even kind of scared. At that moment, Angela looked at me and said, “Sweety, I saw a Subway Sandwiches over there and we haven’t seen one of those in a year. Why don’t I go get us some while you figure this mess out?”

And do you know what that kind of support did to me? I wanted to get her in first class back to Italy. I was happy to walk or swim if I could only get her home. She could have nagged or berated me and that would have stirred up my own insecurity and sin. Her humility and willingness to support me, even when I had clearly blown it, softened my heart and made me want to lead better. And by God’s grace, a super nice woman at the counter, and a late night bus ride to London, we got home affordably the next day.

Now, Peter turns his instructions to the husbands.

III. Husbands: Use your leadership to understand and honor your wife. 7

If there is any man out there who is really liking this sermon so far, buckle up. At almost every marriage conference I speak at, some guy comes up to me and says, “The main problem in my marriage is that my wife won’t submit.” Now, the kind of guy who is going to say this probably isn’t the easiest guy to follow. But, maybe she won't submit. Peter clearly believes a wife has a responsibility before God to follow her husband’s leadership. But her failure to obey Peter doesn’t excuse your failure to obey Peter. The first question for a Christian husband isn’t, “Is my wife following me well?” It’s, “Am I leading her in the way Christ has called me to lead?”

And the same thing is true in the other direction. A wife doesn’t submit because her husband has earned it by being a perfect leader. Peter is talking about an unbelieving husband! And a husband doesn’t lead sacrificially because his wife has earned it by being perfectly submissive. Neither spouse gets to make the other person’s obedience the condition of their own.

If your response to verses 1-6 is primarily to think about everything your wife should be doing differently, you have already missed the whole spirit of the passage. Biblical headship never asks, “How much authority do I have?” It asks, “How can I use everything God has entrusted me for her good?”

Peter gives husbands three commands here. First, know your wife. Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way… Know your wife’s fears, pressures, dreams, wounds. Know what gives her life and what exhausts her. Know how you can lighten her load where it matters most. Be willing to start these conversations with genuine curiosity. It’s manly to have conversations about emotional realities and it is cowardly not to. 

We should be the world’s foremost experts on our wives. During World War II, Churchill desperately needed Roosevelt’s help, so he studied him relentlessly…his personality, his moods, his hopes, his fears, even the smallest things that might influence him. Churchill later joked that no one had ever studied another person as carefully as he studied Roosevelt. If Churchill could study Roosevelt that carefully because the future of Britain depended on it, how much more should we study the woman to whom we have promised our lives?

Then, Peter gives the second command: Honor her. Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…” Peter almost certainly has physical vulnerability in mind here. Maybe also social vulnerability. And precisely because of this, we should honor her.  Biblical masculinity doesn’t use strength to get its way. It uses strength to carry burdens. 

And then thirdly, remember your wife is equal before God. They are heirs with us of the grace of life. Order is different from superiority. Our wives are not our spiritual juniors. They are our co-heirs. The headship card is not a card you can pull to make your wife submit. It’s a responsibility God has given you to use your strength and leadership for her good. Headship means my head is on the line.

My grandfather was one of the most unique people I’ve ever known. He hunted all over the world in the 50’s. You name it, he killed it. He pioneered flats fishing in the Everglades. People like him are why we have endangered species today. He was the first urologist in Orlando to perform a vasectomy. Kids, if you don’t know what that is, you can ask your parents at lunch. And he performed it on himself as a clinic to other doctors and nurses who wanted to learn. 

One day, my grandfather came home and gave my grandmother the riot act about reigning in the budget. No more milk deliveries. No more new clothes for the kids. The AC could only be used at night and only in his bedroom. My grandmother followed through and the next day, my grandfather pulled up to the house with his new Boston Whaler fishing boat. His family existed to serve his interests and the devastation of his self-centered leadership now spans four generations. 

And then Peter gives possibly the most frightening sentence in the whole passage. ..so that your prayers may not be hindered. God takes the way you treat your wife personally. You cannot be cruel, dismissive, domineering, inattentive, or demeaning toward your wife and then casually walk into God’s presence as though your spiritual life is flourishing. God cares more about how you treat your His daughter than how impressive your prayers sound. 

In Genesis one, God gave Adam Eve as his helper. That word ‘helper’ isn't a demeaning word. In fact, throughout the Old Testament, that same word is repeatedly used of God himself as the helper of his people. So when God calls Eve Adam's helper, he isn't calling her his assistant. He's saying Adam needs something he doesn't have in himself, and God has given him Eve.

Instead of looking at our wives like some kind of help who is here to serve us, we need to rather think about them as needed and precious aids. When George W. Bush chose a Secretary of State, he looked all around the US and chose Condoleezza Rice because she could help him better than anyone else to further his goals for his administration. That wasn’t demeaning in any way toward Condoleezza. It was honoring. And she worked hard alongside him to see that agenda succeed.

If we have that perspective, it should make us want to give our wives every resource they need to thrive. And I think that raises an important and vulnerable question. Does my wife thrive because she is married to me? Am I leading in a way that makes it easier, rather than harder, for my wife to follow me? A husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church makes submission something far easier for his wife to embrace.

There was a man named Robert McQuilkin who was a long time President of Columbia International University. In 1990, he resigned from that office to take care of his wife Muriel. What he said when he resigned has become one of the most beautiful pictures I know of what it looks like for a husband to use his life for the good of his wife. Not because he had to, but because he got to. I don’t often do this, but I want to play a video of that speech. 

VIDEO of the retirement speech

But where does that kind of marriage come from? Where do we find the strength to submit like this and sacrifice like this? We have to circle back to that word ‘likewise.’ Before all of these instructions, Peter showed us Jesus. Jesus who suffered without retaliation. Jesus who entrusted Himself to the Father. Jesus who used His strength for our salvation. Jesus who bore our sins in His body on the cross. And then Peter says, “Now take that Jesus into your marriage.” You can’t separate headship and submission from the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

For the wife, that means a voluntary, courageous submission rooted not in her confidence in her husband, but her confidence in God. For the husband, that means a sacrificial leadership that uses strength not to demand honor, but to give it.

The world tends to think that if you submit, you lose power, and if you lead, you gain power. The gospel transforms both. Submission becomes an act of strength and leadership becomes an opportunity to sacrifice.

Wives, follow your husbands as you trust Christ. Husbands, lead your wives as you imitate Christ. Both of you can do this because you belong to the Christ who submitted Himself to suffering and used all of his power to save His bride. 

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Prayer

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Heavenly Father, we come to you today in the middle of lives that are busy, confusing, frustrating, and even scary. But we also come to you knowing that none of us are here by mistake. You knew we would be here. You know who we are. You know what we are going through. You know the number of hair on our head and grain of sand on the beaches. 

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Help us this morning as we look at a hard passage on submission and sacrifice. Marriage is hard. Anytime you bring two sinful people together, conflict arises. Disagreements become inflamed. And bitterness can settle in. We know you have designed marriage for your glory and our good and we pray this morning that you would prepare our hearts to hear not only what is true, but what is also good and beautiful for all marriages and really for all Christians married or not. 

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We pray for the marriages this morning that are struggling. Where feelings of futility and bitterness have settled in and even where all hope feels lost. We pray that you would give hope, healing, and fruit. We pray for all those who want to be married, but are not, that You would make their paths clear and provide in every way through friends, family, church family, and Your Holy

Spirit. 

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And we thank You for those you have clearly called to the single life. As Paul said, “I wish all were as I am.” What would the world look like today if Paul or Augustine didn’t have the blessing of singleness? And, of course, Jesus. 

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Lord, help us all married and single to see the blessings this passage has for us all. 

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St Paul’s 

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